What to trash

Making quick decisions for what goes in the trash, what I am taking with me, what I am giving away. Cut about my last pile of personal documents. Happy about that.

Thinking everyday about my new life in a new city. What do to with my career. What type of work will I do. It KNOW is all about the French. I am going there to learn French ... I keep on reminding myself that that is the end goal. French immersion! No matter what happens, have to walk away with the skill of speaking another language. But what does the immersion part of it mean? I know being immersed will profoundly change my view of things and who I am.

Getting pretty nervous about this whole move. I just need to get all the apartment stuff done, and then I can move on to bigger and more important things. Motivation is always difficult in this regard. A lot of panicky hesitation.

Had a good Christmas though. Ate a lot, drank a lot. I'm glad I shared something special with the ex, and I got the good times with him I was expecting and looking for most importantly. It was a break from my worrying. I think Christmas is a break for a lot of people.

My life will be in a different place soon. I'm thinking about my pace of life here in Toronto, and the new life I will have in Montreal, and what pace it will be. A lot to absorb in, but again, it is my own motivation that needs to come in to play. There's always what you give, what you get, and then the X value for the random nature of life.

One thing that helps in learning French is finding French bf. That'll help! So sometimes one goal becomes two, and you found yourself going off in a necessary or unnecessary tangent. Life is weird like that. Just like gay sex or the search for a partner, sometimes you have your personal goals, but then those goals somehow become entwined with constantly seeking for the high of good sex or getting attention from men. It's just like my Girlfriends series says, having a fabulous life is nothing if you have nobody to share it with. Being gay and living the gay life of fun all the time, the bars, partying, wearing awesome clothes, having great style, drinking the best drinks, and having the best laughs, eating out with girlfriends, guy friends, gay friends ... isn't it somehow not complete without fulfilling some other important goals ... like our NEED for cock, our NEED to be on all fours when we NEED to be on all fours? That is a weird comparison, but it is true.

One goal becomes two. Our search for certain experiences leads us to work them out in different ways, after you've left your friends, and are walking home alone and drunk, and quite possibly having enough charm, courage, or know how to get somebody off the street back to your place, or his. Or you ending up at the back room of Black Eagle, to REALLY finish off your night in the way that you wanted it to go.

Keep on reminding myself I have to embrace this process. Sometimes the process of throwing things out makes you focus on the garbage of life and the things you don't need. But aren't they two sides of the coin?

The need to quickly dispose of shit hanging around that prevents you from moving on, needs to be accomplished before actually being able to move on.

And then in the process, you realize you can't throw everything out. Some things you still need to keep in order to survive. Allowing those things to continue to stay with you is important part about being human. I'm not sure if I still want to be an accountant, but we still as humans, keep a lot of things we don't want around. They are comfort, who we are. They are skills we have, and we learn as humans how to manipulate or combine them with other newly acquired skills to make the best us.

I think, all this garbage and apartment stuff is preventing me from focusing on moving forward. I am preoccupied by the details. But again, another self reminder. The process of deciding what to throw out or keep will be a similar process or way of life in Montreal. A myriad of daily decisions in my new life will need to be made, and trade offs that simplify things and move me forward.

A key constant about life is that you can't move on until the earlier steps to get you there are completed. From going through those steps, we revaluate our skills and how we've handled the events, and sometimes even the END goal ENDS up changing. This just happens over and over.

As for learning a new language, one part is that you need to forge new relationships that allow you to live and breathe that new language. I've learned French theoretically. I have to put it to use in real life. The immersion part of French is the human part of it.

I've had a lot of help online in the gay chat/cam rooms quite surprisingly. Some good hope that there are people out there who will help me in whatever capacity they can, and it won't just be me against a wall of snobbery, indifference, coldness.It's easy to learn a new language when you are talking with a hot guy.

But as somebody replied to me when I answered their apartment ad, English speakers are basically immigrants in Quebec. A certain amount of openness has to be done on our part to get absorbed and welcome in this new society. Consider me doing my immigrant part by getting to know the local men, and trying to speak their language!

And so, I got sidetracked, and got caught up in the 'pyschological need' part of the gay chat rooms, and their lure of gay sex and human interaction that keeps us gay men online for hours into the night. Spending nights after nights when I should be cleaning out my apartment and planning my new life and not getting trapped in a gay chat addiction cycle.

To continue this two sides of coin thingy ... I realize it was all still part of the process. The ultimate goal to learn a new language is to speak it socially with others, and this part MUST be done by making new friends, having new romances ... and that is scary because it implies a new me socially. But it must be done. I must IMMERSE. Like me being fucked for the first time in 5 years. I had to get this done before I move from Toronto.

Well I love gay porn, so that will never change. It won't be one of the things I throw out. So the goal is to do it in French. I mean have sex in French.

I told myself I am moving to Montreal to learn French, and one goal becomes two, to meet a French guy as well. I go on the gay chats to practice French, and then become addicted to the chats themselves.

Both sides of the same coin - I know it's getting repetive saying that. It's not just about learning a new language, it is about finding a new life ... and how can you do that if you don't take on side projects along the way that define yourself, and help you better shape that goal or set of goals you have or will have?

In life we always need direction. And we put ourselves out there to get the answers and movitation we need. It's like what I said about gay sex. Gay men are defined by this gay world we live in, but each of us personally, needs gay sex to define who we truly are behaviourally and individually. You can have all the self-defined success you want in your life, but you are nothing without having somebody else also view your success, and share it with you.

Moving is a process, and you can't frame it I realized. There's a lot you have to throw to the trash, and there is SO MUCH you have to throw back at the world and see how it comes back.

Leaving home, coming home

Cleaning out apartment and not knowing where you are going to stay next year is pretty scary. Trying to tie up loose ends, relationships, friendships in Toronto and just getting into the questioning mode of things. Last chance to truly question things.

Somebody keeps on telling you a relationship has been successful, but then why am moving to Montreal? I am going there because of this person and his legacy in me, but in the process of going there, I need to leave him behind and let that part of my life die a little bit. Have to walk away knowing that yes, I didn't really get what I wanted in the end.

Everywhere you go in life, there are people that help you steer course. But then comes a point, people's reaction to you just becomes a way for you to confirm what you already knew. If I have to give advice to a 40 year old, that means I was right at 30, and you are 10 years being wrong.

The tool he gave me was French, I did get something out of it. But many things have died between us. At least Montreal will give me a new life. But it is me that has to first erase certain things. Montreal gives me the environment. It's me who has to change inside. I've done things lately that reflect the new me.

The reason of being together is related to something very private and personal. I held him for something about it in the beginning, and still stayed with him 6 years regardless of it being unresolved. And after these same 6 years, then to have him give me the exact same advice related to what I held to him in the beginning?

Same thing for another friend. Allowed me to stay with her, giving me a sense of security about living arrangements. Didn't take it because I knew it would get messy. Knew she just wanted extra money coming in, given her money woes. She did want to help though. Then as I am leaving for Montreal, says that her husband didn't like how I acted in her house ... when I went up to see her just to accompany her shopping to buy her husband's xmas gift.

Hmmm ... and I was the one that helped her and her husband move into their apartment to begin with. Interesting her husband also tried to cut off another one of his friends who helped them move. But then I remember casting off some friends who helped me move apartments too. Like this same friend says, what goes around comes around. It's hard to find friends who will really physically help you with a move. When you find them, you know they are real friends. I know my friend considers me a TRUE friend.

In their financial mess and self-destruction, I felt like I got hit by a stray bullet. It's always about the two of them ... I call those the scary, self-destructive couples.

And they wanted move me to move in with them for money? And they had problems with how I acted in their house? How many times did I pay for that guy's dinner and drinks? That's the thing about men. They have problems feeling they can't take care of the bill. And then when you take what they give, they say you are taking advantage of them. I myself have always paid for others, so it's always below the belt when people have problems with how I act or my personality. You see, I already nipped this problem early on by escaping from under my parent's roof. If I am not in your house, it is NOT your rules. But as you can see, even if you pay for somebody's meal, when you are in THEIR house, they'll still tell you what you can or cannot do. So you can pay for somebody, but if THEY pay for THEIR house, then it is their rules as always. No wonder so many relationships fail.

Then I look at my own ex-bf problems. Moving to a new home in Montreal, and leaving my old home behind. But what about my house with him? Thing is, I never lived with this person. Storing my stuff at his place temporarily. That one or two weeks with him will be challenging and I am so afraid it will be an unpleasant last few days in Toronto.

Could I go live with my friend as I said? No, they problems with me 'acting' around the house. Again, interesting, I won't be much up in their house, 'cause I'm MOVING TO MONTREAL DUH! The focus is on me and my new home. But everything is always about her and HER HOME. Let me find my own first and then I'll get back to you. As can be seen, it's kind of about the house, moreso about control. Was she trying to control me? No. She was acting out of the control issues in her marriage, she was telling me what her husband told her to tell me to protect her house - another way of saying her marriage. I am one truly having house issues, as in finding one!

I have some good memories in Toronto. But now, looking for a new home in Montreal, knowing I never really had a house and home here in Toronto. Can move in with friend, but her bf may not want me there. Reminds me how my own ex-bf doesn't really want me living with him. And reminds me of the fact that living with new roomies in Montreal, whether or not they really want me there too.

Got laid off so that's why moving to Montreal. There will be rejection from Montreal jobs too, rejection from potential roomates, rejection from men. Been rejected in love in Toronto, rejected by local men here. But going to Montreal to find myself, find acceptance, FIND love.

This is the whole thing about a big move in your life. The reason you move is because you've been rejected by something. But going to a strange new place is ALSO full of rejections. New rejections. One can never avoid rejections can't they? Big bang theory. An initial powerful force propels you to begin with, and from there on, you just collide with other galaxies.

Key thing to remember is exactly the key, the key being yourself. To connect rejection, to rejection, and hopefully and finally, to acceptance in the end. Have to trust yourself on this journey.

It's not really about finding the one. The one is you. You are the bridge that takes you from an unsatisfactory relationship to something better. So in the end, any relationship you have, is ultimately a relationship with yourself.

When we think about love, sex, and relationships, don't we automatically think ourselves and how we relate to others? Not loving ourself, OUR own sexuality, and the relationship we have with ourselves? I know I've stopped relating to others in efforts to relate to myself. Hope Montreal will change that.

But we take the good bits. Same friend said she is just looking for a new job to support her existing financial needs, her existing home. She was right. In the end, it is about HER home. She said I was the one who was truly starting a new life. Her life wasn't changing. Her home hadn't changed like mine was about to. I don't feel welcome in her home, but a home that she is stuck with.

Didn't have a real, permanent, established home with my ex-bf. But he gave me French. I tool that I can use to find my new home. At our party yesterday, we were talking with friend. Smokers vs. pot smokers. Friend pot smoker, us normal smokers.

My ex gave me smoking. Yes, bad. But something we shared. Friend didn't understand though. Me and him were on the same page. I remember him warning me telling me not to start. Kind of like starting off a relationship you are not sure of. Then you get addicted, and years fly by.

He gave me smoking, a 'tool' to use in my new home. Smoking at the Montreal bars. Everybody in Montreal smokes. And Montreal bars are good for smoking.

We were talking about social smoking, of course gay men certainly have picked up when they step outside the bar for a schmoke. The ones that need to consistently go out, that already segregates THESE gays from the rest. And if you see them outside on the patio once, they'll probably be there again as rounds of beer pass, and as we smokers alternative between liquid refreshment and tobacco satisfaction. My new bf MUST SMOKE! This is why my old bf won't ever really leave me. He's in my lungs. Giving me this addiction, making me modify my search.

Leaving home and coming home. The concept of home. Memories with friends, moments of truth that sometimes brought you away from home, brought you back home, or hit home. Tools given my friends who have a home to help you acquire your new home. Like the new winter jacket by friend bought me 'cause Montreal has a motherfucker winter. Like the FRENCH my ex-bf gave me to move to Quebec in the first place.

Leaving things behind and bringing things with you. The choice is always ours when moving between new homes. I'm sad I don't have a home, but still glad that I am moving.

Introduction

As reddit so popularly coined: First post!

I created this blog as a webdiary of my journey from Toronto to Montreal, as a gay person, as me. The internet has become the world's collective consciousness, better than the brain. We can access each other's thoughts and ideas. It is better than conversation and university. Which take too much interaction, too much time.

We can also access each other sexually and hookup. Virtual desires become impetus for real world interactions. Yet gay men and others say they go on the internet to meet people because they don't like the bar scene. In the end, out of desperation, they'll still end up at the bar.

The internet is better than mainstream media/TV ... can control what we see, participate. Our own interpretation of events is influenced by how we read, how a picture is viewed personally/individually. Does his profile pic and combo of words conjure the type of man-meeting I want? But in the end, you'll still hookup. It's just about sex.

An internet post once posted, is solidified. Whereas human memory easily fades. Our understanding of web encounters and random meaningless man sex is easily warped as time passes, shelved away without making sense of what the fuck that fuck was about. The fuzzy remembrance of whether it was actually good sex (always debatable), previous sexual states of excitement ... they all always seem to be forgotten, until the next hard on. And by then, your searching for something else.

I am moving to Montreal for the men partially. I want a French bf. Somebody to teach me French, haha! And my preparation for it has somewhat been virtual i.e. chatrooms, webcams. I even went to a France chat room for anonymity, then eventually to QCboys with a full on cam and being naked in bed, desperate to talk with others.

When I am finally in Montreal, I will have to face the real world. All my practice writing in French in those gay chats will be put to the verbal test.

And like my virtual preparation, my documentation of this journey should be virtual as well. It is to make sure none of my journey is ever lost. It is recorded on the internet. As said, time fades thing. Whereas the internet as a medium, moves the world forward. I could put ink to paper, but computer is faster. I could save it in a word document, but like most files on your computer, they just get desktop lost. Just loading up microsoft word is slower than logging onto a website.

BTW, who actually saves porn on their computer? Isn't it about watching new stuff on the internet? You can't get turned on by the same thing over and over again. The whacking off is the same, not the stimulation.

So, internet is the best medium for my diary! Is this blog for others to read? It's cliche so many denounce the 'i like' or virtual popularity backlash. They say you hate those who just want as many 'friends' as possible. To write that on your own gay.com profile ... means you also intend others to visit your profile and see what you've wrote.

You may not want them to click on the friend button, your not into 'friends.' Yet you check how many people visited your profile. Maybe the friends or i like button is just for people to stay in contact. Gives virtual hope in life.

You won't ever stay in contact actually. It is just an approval that somebody has visited your profile, and your pic was good enough for them to take the time to stop and notify you of that. In the gay world, validation based on looks is the cornerstone of our survival.

OK, so yes - I'm not a facebook narcissist, but I hope somebody reads my blog and reaches out to me. My posts validate me.

We use the internet to type out our feelings, passions, aggressions ... and then we hope somebody will respond. We log back in to check, and do so often, don't we all?

This is my public diary, the oxymoron that is the webdiary. But then again it is still a diary. Diaries are hidden and not to be read by others. Should nobody subscribe to my blog, like nobody PM's you on sex or date chats even if you uploaded your hottest profile pic ... then likewise, my diary won't be read by others and will remain private.

If you don't get any PM's or visits, then you must think it's because you are not attractive and won't be gettin' any out there when it comes to gay men at large and how you rate. Gay men are rated by other gay men sexually, but then the way we are rated affects how we feel about ourselves personally, and that further affects us socially. A minority group brings itself down. So here lies the problem of liking the same sex. Straight men don't rate each other sexually, but the opposite sex. Women internalize these ratings, and sometimes the anomisity is directed at other women. I guess gay men are like women then. But for women, the man is to blame. It's an easy one way street to blame the opposite sex. Same sex? Blame the man as a gay man means blaming gay men as a community, but as a gay man yourself, you form a part of that community. So as gay men, we all end up blaming each other and ourselves ultimately. It really is only about the sex. We can help each other get off. That's what we are good at. If only straight people found out this secret.

Luckily, our orientation has helped our community become much more than being about mutual jerk-offs. History has allowed us to shape our own gay culture, then relay the message back to the straights that we are sexual beings and can get along. Gays teaching straights about their own sexuality.

And after all this rambling ... even if nobody reads my diary, or nobody visits my gay sex profile, it doesn't mean I won't be validated. My posts will still be posted, and I can go back to read them. For myself.

Unlike re-reading embarassing calls out for sex posted in the main dialogue box of the chat room the morning after ... I don't think capturing and re-reading my posts on this blog will be as painful.