Introduction

As reddit so popularly coined: First post!

I created this blog as a webdiary of my journey from Toronto to Montreal, as a gay person, as me. The internet has become the world's collective consciousness, better than the brain. We can access each other's thoughts and ideas. It is better than conversation and university. Which take too much interaction, too much time.

We can also access each other sexually and hookup. Virtual desires become impetus for real world interactions. Yet gay men and others say they go on the internet to meet people because they don't like the bar scene. In the end, out of desperation, they'll still end up at the bar.

The internet is better than mainstream media/TV ... can control what we see, participate. Our own interpretation of events is influenced by how we read, how a picture is viewed personally/individually. Does his profile pic and combo of words conjure the type of man-meeting I want? But in the end, you'll still hookup. It's just about sex.

An internet post once posted, is solidified. Whereas human memory easily fades. Our understanding of web encounters and random meaningless man sex is easily warped as time passes, shelved away without making sense of what the fuck that fuck was about. The fuzzy remembrance of whether it was actually good sex (always debatable), previous sexual states of excitement ... they all always seem to be forgotten, until the next hard on. And by then, your searching for something else.

I am moving to Montreal for the men partially. I want a French bf. Somebody to teach me French, haha! And my preparation for it has somewhat been virtual i.e. chatrooms, webcams. I even went to a France chat room for anonymity, then eventually to QCboys with a full on cam and being naked in bed, desperate to talk with others.

When I am finally in Montreal, I will have to face the real world. All my practice writing in French in those gay chats will be put to the verbal test.

And like my virtual preparation, my documentation of this journey should be virtual as well. It is to make sure none of my journey is ever lost. It is recorded on the internet. As said, time fades thing. Whereas the internet as a medium, moves the world forward. I could put ink to paper, but computer is faster. I could save it in a word document, but like most files on your computer, they just get desktop lost. Just loading up microsoft word is slower than logging onto a website.

BTW, who actually saves porn on their computer? Isn't it about watching new stuff on the internet? You can't get turned on by the same thing over and over again. The whacking off is the same, not the stimulation.

So, internet is the best medium for my diary! Is this blog for others to read? It's cliche so many denounce the 'i like' or virtual popularity backlash. They say you hate those who just want as many 'friends' as possible. To write that on your own gay.com profile ... means you also intend others to visit your profile and see what you've wrote.

You may not want them to click on the friend button, your not into 'friends.' Yet you check how many people visited your profile. Maybe the friends or i like button is just for people to stay in contact. Gives virtual hope in life.

You won't ever stay in contact actually. It is just an approval that somebody has visited your profile, and your pic was good enough for them to take the time to stop and notify you of that. In the gay world, validation based on looks is the cornerstone of our survival.

OK, so yes - I'm not a facebook narcissist, but I hope somebody reads my blog and reaches out to me. My posts validate me.

We use the internet to type out our feelings, passions, aggressions ... and then we hope somebody will respond. We log back in to check, and do so often, don't we all?

This is my public diary, the oxymoron that is the webdiary. But then again it is still a diary. Diaries are hidden and not to be read by others. Should nobody subscribe to my blog, like nobody PM's you on sex or date chats even if you uploaded your hottest profile pic ... then likewise, my diary won't be read by others and will remain private.

If you don't get any PM's or visits, then you must think it's because you are not attractive and won't be gettin' any out there when it comes to gay men at large and how you rate. Gay men are rated by other gay men sexually, but then the way we are rated affects how we feel about ourselves personally, and that further affects us socially. A minority group brings itself down. So here lies the problem of liking the same sex. Straight men don't rate each other sexually, but the opposite sex. Women internalize these ratings, and sometimes the anomisity is directed at other women. I guess gay men are like women then. But for women, the man is to blame. It's an easy one way street to blame the opposite sex. Same sex? Blame the man as a gay man means blaming gay men as a community, but as a gay man yourself, you form a part of that community. So as gay men, we all end up blaming each other and ourselves ultimately. It really is only about the sex. We can help each other get off. That's what we are good at. If only straight people found out this secret.

Luckily, our orientation has helped our community become much more than being about mutual jerk-offs. History has allowed us to shape our own gay culture, then relay the message back to the straights that we are sexual beings and can get along. Gays teaching straights about their own sexuality.

And after all this rambling ... even if nobody reads my diary, or nobody visits my gay sex profile, it doesn't mean I won't be validated. My posts will still be posted, and I can go back to read them. For myself.

Unlike re-reading embarassing calls out for sex posted in the main dialogue box of the chat room the morning after ... I don't think capturing and re-reading my posts on this blog will be as painful.