What to trash

Making quick decisions for what goes in the trash, what I am taking with me, what I am giving away. Cut about my last pile of personal documents. Happy about that.

Thinking everyday about my new life in a new city. What do to with my career. What type of work will I do. It KNOW is all about the French. I am going there to learn French ... I keep on reminding myself that that is the end goal. French immersion! No matter what happens, have to walk away with the skill of speaking another language. But what does the immersion part of it mean? I know being immersed will profoundly change my view of things and who I am.

Getting pretty nervous about this whole move. I just need to get all the apartment stuff done, and then I can move on to bigger and more important things. Motivation is always difficult in this regard. A lot of panicky hesitation.

Had a good Christmas though. Ate a lot, drank a lot. I'm glad I shared something special with the ex, and I got the good times with him I was expecting and looking for most importantly. It was a break from my worrying. I think Christmas is a break for a lot of people.

My life will be in a different place soon. I'm thinking about my pace of life here in Toronto, and the new life I will have in Montreal, and what pace it will be. A lot to absorb in, but again, it is my own motivation that needs to come in to play. There's always what you give, what you get, and then the X value for the random nature of life.

One thing that helps in learning French is finding French bf. That'll help! So sometimes one goal becomes two, and you found yourself going off in a necessary or unnecessary tangent. Life is weird like that. Just like gay sex or the search for a partner, sometimes you have your personal goals, but then those goals somehow become entwined with constantly seeking for the high of good sex or getting attention from men. It's just like my Girlfriends series says, having a fabulous life is nothing if you have nobody to share it with. Being gay and living the gay life of fun all the time, the bars, partying, wearing awesome clothes, having great style, drinking the best drinks, and having the best laughs, eating out with girlfriends, guy friends, gay friends ... isn't it somehow not complete without fulfilling some other important goals ... like our NEED for cock, our NEED to be on all fours when we NEED to be on all fours? That is a weird comparison, but it is true.

One goal becomes two. Our search for certain experiences leads us to work them out in different ways, after you've left your friends, and are walking home alone and drunk, and quite possibly having enough charm, courage, or know how to get somebody off the street back to your place, or his. Or you ending up at the back room of Black Eagle, to REALLY finish off your night in the way that you wanted it to go.

Keep on reminding myself I have to embrace this process. Sometimes the process of throwing things out makes you focus on the garbage of life and the things you don't need. But aren't they two sides of the coin?

The need to quickly dispose of shit hanging around that prevents you from moving on, needs to be accomplished before actually being able to move on.

And then in the process, you realize you can't throw everything out. Some things you still need to keep in order to survive. Allowing those things to continue to stay with you is important part about being human. I'm not sure if I still want to be an accountant, but we still as humans, keep a lot of things we don't want around. They are comfort, who we are. They are skills we have, and we learn as humans how to manipulate or combine them with other newly acquired skills to make the best us.

I think, all this garbage and apartment stuff is preventing me from focusing on moving forward. I am preoccupied by the details. But again, another self reminder. The process of deciding what to throw out or keep will be a similar process or way of life in Montreal. A myriad of daily decisions in my new life will need to be made, and trade offs that simplify things and move me forward.

A key constant about life is that you can't move on until the earlier steps to get you there are completed. From going through those steps, we revaluate our skills and how we've handled the events, and sometimes even the END goal ENDS up changing. This just happens over and over.

As for learning a new language, one part is that you need to forge new relationships that allow you to live and breathe that new language. I've learned French theoretically. I have to put it to use in real life. The immersion part of French is the human part of it.

I've had a lot of help online in the gay chat/cam rooms quite surprisingly. Some good hope that there are people out there who will help me in whatever capacity they can, and it won't just be me against a wall of snobbery, indifference, coldness.It's easy to learn a new language when you are talking with a hot guy.

But as somebody replied to me when I answered their apartment ad, English speakers are basically immigrants in Quebec. A certain amount of openness has to be done on our part to get absorbed and welcome in this new society. Consider me doing my immigrant part by getting to know the local men, and trying to speak their language!

And so, I got sidetracked, and got caught up in the 'pyschological need' part of the gay chat rooms, and their lure of gay sex and human interaction that keeps us gay men online for hours into the night. Spending nights after nights when I should be cleaning out my apartment and planning my new life and not getting trapped in a gay chat addiction cycle.

To continue this two sides of coin thingy ... I realize it was all still part of the process. The ultimate goal to learn a new language is to speak it socially with others, and this part MUST be done by making new friends, having new romances ... and that is scary because it implies a new me socially. But it must be done. I must IMMERSE. Like me being fucked for the first time in 5 years. I had to get this done before I move from Toronto.

Well I love gay porn, so that will never change. It won't be one of the things I throw out. So the goal is to do it in French. I mean have sex in French.

I told myself I am moving to Montreal to learn French, and one goal becomes two, to meet a French guy as well. I go on the gay chats to practice French, and then become addicted to the chats themselves.

Both sides of the same coin - I know it's getting repetive saying that. It's not just about learning a new language, it is about finding a new life ... and how can you do that if you don't take on side projects along the way that define yourself, and help you better shape that goal or set of goals you have or will have?

In life we always need direction. And we put ourselves out there to get the answers and movitation we need. It's like what I said about gay sex. Gay men are defined by this gay world we live in, but each of us personally, needs gay sex to define who we truly are behaviourally and individually. You can have all the self-defined success you want in your life, but you are nothing without having somebody else also view your success, and share it with you.

Moving is a process, and you can't frame it I realized. There's a lot you have to throw to the trash, and there is SO MUCH you have to throw back at the world and see how it comes back.