Cleaning out apartment and not knowing where you are going to stay next year is pretty scary. Trying to tie up loose ends, relationships, friendships in Toronto and just getting into the questioning mode of things. Last chance to truly question things.
Somebody keeps on telling you a relationship has been successful, but then why am moving to Montreal? I am going there because of this person and his legacy in me, but in the process of going there, I need to leave him behind and let that part of my life die a little bit. Have to walk away knowing that yes, I didn't really get what I wanted in the end.
Everywhere you go in life, there are people that help you steer course. But then comes a point, people's reaction to you just becomes a way for you to confirm what you already knew. If I have to give advice to a 40 year old, that means I was right at 30, and you are 10 years being wrong.
The tool he gave me was French, I did get something out of it. But many things have died between us. At least Montreal will give me a new life. But it is me that has to first erase certain things. Montreal gives me the environment. It's me who has to change inside. I've done things lately that reflect the new me.
The reason of being together is related to something very private and personal. I held him for something about it in the beginning, and still stayed with him 6 years regardless of it being unresolved. And after these same 6 years, then to have him give me the exact same advice related to what I held to him in the beginning?
Same thing for another friend. Allowed me to stay with her, giving me a sense of security about living arrangements. Didn't take it because I knew it would get messy. Knew she just wanted extra money coming in, given her money woes. She did want to help though. Then as I am leaving for Montreal, says that her husband didn't like how I acted in her house ... when I went up to see her just to accompany her shopping to buy her husband's xmas gift.
Hmmm ... and I was the one that helped her and her husband move into their apartment to begin with. Interesting her husband also tried to cut off another one of his friends who helped them move. But then I remember casting off some friends who helped me move apartments too. Like this same friend says, what goes around comes around. It's hard to find friends who will really physically help you with a move. When you find them, you know they are real friends. I know my friend considers me a TRUE friend.
In their financial mess and self-destruction, I felt like I got hit by a stray bullet. It's always about the two of them ... I call those the scary, self-destructive couples.
And they wanted move me to move in with them for money? And they had problems with how I acted in their house? How many times did I pay for that guy's dinner and drinks? That's the thing about men. They have problems feeling they can't take care of the bill. And then when you take what they give, they say you are taking advantage of them. I myself have always paid for others, so it's always below the belt when people have problems with how I act or my personality. You see, I already nipped this problem early on by escaping from under my parent's roof. If I am not in your house, it is NOT your rules. But as you can see, even if you pay for somebody's meal, when you are in THEIR house, they'll still tell you what you can or cannot do. So you can pay for somebody, but if THEY pay for THEIR house, then it is their rules as always. No wonder so many relationships fail.
Then I look at my own ex-bf problems. Moving to a new home in Montreal, and leaving my old home behind. But what about my house with him? Thing is, I never lived with this person. Storing my stuff at his place temporarily. That one or two weeks with him will be challenging and I am so afraid it will be an unpleasant last few days in Toronto.
Could I go live with my friend as I said? No, they problems with me 'acting' around the house. Again, interesting, I won't be much up in their house, 'cause I'm MOVING TO MONTREAL DUH! The focus is on me and my new home. But everything is always about her and HER HOME. Let me find my own first and then I'll get back to you. As can be seen, it's kind of about the house, moreso about control. Was she trying to control me? No. She was acting out of the control issues in her marriage, she was telling me what her husband told her to tell me to protect her house - another way of saying her marriage. I am one truly having house issues, as in finding one!
I have some good memories in Toronto. But now, looking for a new home in Montreal, knowing I never really had a house and home here in Toronto. Can move in with friend, but her bf may not want me there. Reminds me how my own ex-bf doesn't really want me living with him. And reminds me of the fact that living with new roomies in Montreal, whether or not they really want me there too.
Got laid off so that's why moving to Montreal. There will be rejection from Montreal jobs too, rejection from potential roomates, rejection from men. Been rejected in love in Toronto, rejected by local men here. But going to Montreal to find myself, find acceptance, FIND love.
This is the whole thing about a big move in your life. The reason you move is because you've been rejected by something. But going to a strange new place is ALSO full of rejections. New rejections. One can never avoid rejections can't they? Big bang theory. An initial powerful force propels you to begin with, and from there on, you just collide with other galaxies.
Key thing to remember is exactly the key, the key being yourself. To connect rejection, to rejection, and hopefully and finally, to acceptance in the end. Have to trust yourself on this journey.
It's not really about finding the one. The one is you. You are the bridge that takes you from an unsatisfactory relationship to something better. So in the end, any relationship you have, is ultimately a relationship with yourself.
When we think about love, sex, and relationships, don't we automatically think ourselves and how we relate to others? Not loving ourself, OUR own sexuality, and the relationship we have with ourselves? I know I've stopped relating to others in efforts to relate to myself. Hope Montreal will change that.
But we take the good bits. Same friend said she is just looking for a new job to support her existing financial needs, her existing home. She was right. In the end, it is about HER home. She said I was the one who was truly starting a new life. Her life wasn't changing. Her home hadn't changed like mine was about to. I don't feel welcome in her home, but a home that she is stuck with.
Didn't have a real, permanent, established home with my ex-bf. But he gave me French. I tool that I can use to find my new home. At our party yesterday, we were talking with friend. Smokers vs. pot smokers. Friend pot smoker, us normal smokers.
My ex gave me smoking. Yes, bad. But something we shared. Friend didn't understand though. Me and him were on the same page. I remember him warning me telling me not to start. Kind of like starting off a relationship you are not sure of. Then you get addicted, and years fly by.
He gave me smoking, a 'tool' to use in my new home. Smoking at the Montreal bars. Everybody in Montreal smokes. And Montreal bars are good for smoking.
We were talking about social smoking, of course gay men certainly have picked up when they step outside the bar for a schmoke. The ones that need to consistently go out, that already segregates THESE gays from the rest. And if you see them outside on the patio once, they'll probably be there again as rounds of beer pass, and as we smokers alternative between liquid refreshment and tobacco satisfaction. My new bf MUST SMOKE! This is why my old bf won't ever really leave me. He's in my lungs. Giving me this addiction, making me modify my search.
Leaving home and coming home. The concept of home. Memories with friends, moments of truth that sometimes brought you away from home, brought you back home, or hit home. Tools given my friends who have a home to help you acquire your new home. Like the new winter jacket by friend bought me 'cause Montreal has a motherfucker winter. Like the FRENCH my ex-bf gave me to move to Quebec in the first place.
Leaving things behind and bringing things with you. The choice is always ours when moving between new homes. I'm sad I don't have a home, but still glad that I am moving.
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