How was your week? (3)

There were days here in Montreal where I felt I was one step away from being homeless: with no job, and no possibility of getting one because I am not fully bilingual. I got fired from my last job (a true shit hole), intentionally fired actually. Because I wanted to go take French classes full time. I was earning minimum wage and going nowhere in Montreal. But now with no job, I had no income coming in.

 

I was encased in fear day after day, about my economic situation, and how I was going to get out of it. I've never felt like I would ever be of a homeless or welfare status, and it was a frightening feeling being this close to what seems like death row as a person living in the city ... I went to a food bank for the first time in my life ...

 

I felt the fear of homelessness. I would sell my body if I had a body and dick like his.

 

There were other days, where it rained and it poured. I was having problems with my French school. Just stressful weeks in all dealing with government administration, searching for jobs, going to job interviews that lead nowhere, struggling in French school and the lessons, being in a strange learning environment, where we all don't have much in common other than learning the national language, and feeling as if I was a 10 year child in a world I thought I knew, and I thought I was a grown-up in. In this world I thought I was at the bottom, and unrecognized. I like being a bottom, but there is pleasure in that. Being literally at the bottom ... that just sucks. I even had to bargain with my French school to have a day off so I could put in my welfare application. I lost my restaurant job. I felt truly like shit living off on the last hundreds of dollars in my bank account.

 

Going to French school was really the only thing I was doing at the time, so I felt good about that, but I didn't find it to be an uplifting experience. It didn't bring me the will to survive anymore than you would think going to school and bettering oneself should.  It was just another test and another barrier to accomplish. Those were the tough weeks, but I knew as being necessary hurdles to get over.

 

Have you had a rocky week??? We all have ... they rock your world the negative way.

 

There are other days, I felt more confident about myself. That's when I finally got a job, and things started to lead to a brighter path for me. Who knows how long this will last, but I felt within me a brand new renewed me. I felt sexually confident again, about my place here in Montreal, and how I really fit here in bilingual, multicultural, a bit confused, and all over the place Quebec. I had some moments of triumph, and they came all of a sudden to be honest. I welcomed those moments so thankfully.

 

Triumphant Fucker

 

I will be attending the next level of French next month, and I don't know how that's gonna be, working a full time job at the same time. There will be more tired, stressful, rocky weeks ... but as I said, they are necessary hurdles. In life, sometimes a good situation can come to you instantly, and that changes everything. So that's why when it's sunny outside, I enjoy, but don't take it totally for granted, 'cause you know how hard the rainy days were. I will finish my French courses while I have time, and they will then be final a barrier I have accomplished once and for all.

 

And even being employed now, there are still days that things bother and scare me. I was seated next to a very annoying employee. He is the annoying brutus unwantedness of the company, and I happened to be seated next to him. I've had little triumphs at work and gained the respect of certain peers, and was able to get a seating change. But during the time, after standing up again and feeling confidence once more in life, it was like little grains of sand were still being deflected into my eyes.

 



Days wear you can't wash away the sand and grit in your lives. Just unpleasantness and discomfort surrounds you. Less than perfect situations.



 

A week can really change everything. Sometimes we have weeks where they just bring us nowhere, and we feel every day is just a continuation of the same ritual and being stuck in the same rut. Sometimes we should plan weeks to bring out the good, and expect that each day will get better, and bring the better stuff into our lives. Everything can change in just one week. So keep on kicking.